I'm so sorry for everything.

All night I lay on my pillow and pray
For my boss to stop me in the hallway
Lay my head on his shoulder and say
Son, I've been hearing good things

I am seven stories above downtown Salt Lake City, Utah. I've actually had a really wonderful day, in spite of this choice of songs.

I wake up without warning and go flying around the house
In my sauvignon fierce, freaking out
Take a forty-five minute shower and kiss the mirror
And say, look at me
Baby, we'll be fine
All we gotta do is be brave and be kind

The city sits below me. Sunlight still stark on the square shoulders of high rises. Polite panhandlers wish people a nice day when they brush them off for spare change. People drive slow and the crosswalks chirp so the blind can get around with a little independence, but you get the feeling that when the blind do go out, kindhearted citizens take time from their day to walk them to their destinations.

The place doesn't seem real.

I put on an argyle sweater and put on a smile
I don't know how to do this
I'm so sorry for everything

I'm mentally planning my trip to Asia. My heart is spinning with excitement and anxiety. It is exactly 2200 hours back east. I'd be going to bed in a few minutes, normally.

Baby, come over, I need entertaining
I had a stilted, pretending day
Lay me down and say something pretty
Lay me back down where I wanted to stay
Just say something perfect, something I can steal
Say, look at me
Baby, we'll be fine
All we've gotta do is be brave and be kind

Brave and kind. These are the things I admire.

But my profession is difficult customer. The person who is always asking for more. I always want someone else's work to be a cut above anything they've ever done before.

I asked a three star general to formalize something he said in a lecture today by writing a policy letter. The 300 powerful technology decision-makers around me laughed, half nervously, and half in agreement. I basically asked him to write a policy letter giving us the freedom to do our jobs.

I don't understand why people fear authority in arenas like that, but I guess that's because I haven't been penalized for my behaviour yet.

I pull off your jeans, and you spill jack and coke in my collar
I melt like a witch and scream
I'm so sorry for everything

But I had a wonderful day. I was given free stuff by nice people, I had a delicious dinner, and I found a tiny record store and learned about new artists, and now I'm comfortably ensconced in my personal palace. It is 5 meters wide and 10 meters long. The room came with a beautiful bathroom all done out in marble and a comfortable white bath robe. But at the moment all I can think is that my world is a very small bubble inside a giant adventure that I'm missing, and the bath robe reminds me of a straight jacket.

I guess I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Lyrics: The National - Baby, We'll be Fine

Monday, April 20, 2009


I'm tired. I'm tired of being the focal point. I'm tired of people either thinking they have to do everything for me or they shouldn't do anything for me.

I'm tired of always being the one who gets people together for dinner. Tired of being the one who has to remind people to do dishes or laundry. Tired of being the one who is on the road for 100 days a year and still comes home to a messy house and a calendar empty save for the events I create. Tired of being the one who knows everyone's phone number, and never hears back about what is being planned.

Last year a friend called me and invited me to join him for a barbeque. It might have been the greatest gift anybody gave me all year--just an event that I was asked to attend, but for which I was absolutely not responsible.

Hey friends of mine, Want to give me something memorable? invite me into your lives, instead of just expecting that I'll catch you up in the whirlwind that is my own.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009