Picked a girl up at the trainstop where I live
Took a drive along the beach by the ocean.

When I was younger, I had this recurring fantasy that this girl I liked would tell me one day that she'd fallen for me, and we would wait for one another until all the insanity and displacement of high school and college had passed us by and our lives had 'settled down.'

Talk about the dreams we had while we were growing old
Wrote a poem on the back of your shoulder.

But lately I've realized that the displacement and the insanity aren't products of our school daze, they're just relfections of the true chaos of living the American dream. The story of humanity is completely unbridled. It is impossible to make anything concrete, permanent, or reliable. Jobs are lost, houses burn down, lovers leave. That is the way of it, and after a year of rebellion against love, I find myself more suited to this life than I was when I thought it was temporary and that love could conquer all.

Tell me your name, tell me your story
Cause I'm into it, runnin' through life like a misfit

My life is good these days. Today the Tango, tomorrow paperwork and installing shelves. If I'm lucky, a month from now Engineering and Apartment hunting. If I'm blessed beyond what I deserve, Hong Kong and a mad-rocket-scientist's toy lab a year or two past that.

I will start again

And these days I don't regret that. I have a friend who quotes her professor often: "You can never start over, but you can begin again."

I'm approaching a point where the repetitive nature of life--trying and failing and succeeding and trying once more--is something I can relish.

Give the dog a bone to chew as I drive around
Wrote this song last night while I was sober

I like my life these days. But there are always a few loose ends that still need snipping.

Tell me your name, tell me a story
Cause I'm into it, runnin' through life like a misfit

And I kept on driving. . .

I like it where I'm going. The money will be good and the work straightforward. I'll get to live simple. And that will be good for me. Plus there are still a few debts that need repaying.

I will start again.

but I won't start over.

[Elefant - Misfit]

Sunday, February 12, 2006