I turned a corner today.

Last night, (well, early this morning), I watched High Fidelity.

And for some reason, despite the fact that it doesn't really speak to any of my current issues. . . it spoke to all of them, and I realized it was going to be ok.

I'm writing a book. I have nearly boundless energy. I told my mother this morning that she had been disrespectful to me last week, and didn't get caught up in her quibbling when she wanted to make an issue of it.

I have an uncle who wrote a book.

In that book, he says some great stuff. And one of the things he says is that he never wants one of his subordinates to walk into his office and tell him about a mistake they made or a way they failed unless they can also explain to him something that they could have done differently to have improved the situation.

It's not a way of fixing things, it's a way of recognizing personal responsibility.

So, in light of this fact, and the fact that I just watched a movie about top five lists:

The Top Five things I Should have Done Differently:

1. I shouldn't have started the relationship with M. I could see it coming from a mile away and it was a mistake. I should have known better.

2. I should never have started kissing L. It didn't matter that I loved her, kissing changed our entire relationship, in a unique and fantastic way, but it changed it for the worse, because I didn't choose to make that change at a wise or responsible time, I made it in the heat of the moment.

3. I should have been honest with L about what bothered me in the fall, esp. in the early days of our return to school. I let a lot of things slip by because I felt that I would sound overly critical if I brought them up, but every new story was another painful event for me that drove me further into my shell.

4. I should never have let a project turn into a relationship. It was a stupid decision and I must have known that in the end things would never improve as long as I was around. Nobody makes the kinds of leaps that she needed to make when they've got somebody like me looking over their shoulder.

5. I shouldn't have resisted. See the previous post. She loved me and that's what I never quite gave into. Had I given in, things would have been improved.

So there it is. The top five things I did wrong that should have been done differently on my part. Now I can walk into the office in my head and say to myself "I made a mistake."