There was a loophole in my dreaming.

I'm back.

Times have changed, and I have changed with them. Or perhaps I have simply become somewhat refined, more myself than I was before?

I have a job now. That means I'm making money, which is good. I'm a very frugal and responsible person when I'm near-broke, but when I make money I gradually become less responsible until I'll buy things at random. I think the worst thing that could happen to me, economically, would be to win the lottery, because I'd squander it.

So for the moment, I'm making a little money. Enough to pay off some debts I incurred, but not enough to let me go wild or stupid.

It's a good life, so far. I'm a bartender, and I'm ok at it. I'm wildly unqualified and grossly undertrained for the place I work, because there really wasn't another bartender to train me on their methods when I arrived, so I've sortof had to guess and work out everything for myself, which has led to lots of mistakes that could have been avoided had I had proper on-the-job training. But the experience is coming in handy and I'm making money, which is the real benefit of the moment.

So I saw My Best Friend's Wedding the other day for the first time.

Now, I realize my female readers are mostly thinking "awww, but that's a great movie! Why didn't you see it ages ago when every other American did?" and my Male readers are probably thinking "What? You made it seven years man. Why cave and give in to watch it now when you were doing so well?" The answer is that I simply didn't have the time or interest to see it when it came out (which is just as well, my circa 1997 self probably wouldn't have been effected by the movie at all) but that I like comedies, even romantic ones, and so I watched it voluntarily.

But while watching the movie, I made two important realizations. I'm not any of those people and I don't want to be any of those people.

Let me explain something about the way I watch movies. I am incapable of not taking a movie personally. Even goofy over-the-top action movies I'll relate to at least a little bit, finding that I share the hero's conviction, or the sidekicks dogged willingness to repeatedly try even though he usually fails. But romance is the worst. Almost every movie with a romantic element that I have watched in the last 5 years has had a personal angle for me. These movies range from classy, mature films like Good Will Hunting to horrible comedies like "Holy Man" (There is a single line from that movie that I can still quote: "I'm sorry I was right about you, I've never wanted to be wrong more in my life.").

As the movie slides past me I find myself identifying with the characters as they struggle to find love, keep relationships alive, or salvage lost amour. It's a constant. Every biting line, every painful breakup, every joyful reunion, I make a personal moment. I identify with the characters, especially when they fail, do stupid things, or ruin good relationships with poor choices.

So it seems that My Best Friend's Wedding is the perfect film for me to identify with, especially considering my personal history over the past five years.

But for maybe the first time in my life, I watched the movie with a calm emotional detachment, viewing each character with a slight distaste. The female protagonist is a manipulative liar who will do anything to get what she wants. The male object of her affection is very nearly one dimensional. He's a nice guy, sure, but he spends most of the movie being yanked around by his friend and never really shows any spirit or wisedom. His girl is devoted to him and entirely enraptured by his presence. She has personal interests but no uniqueness, no identity.

I don't want to be any of those people. I don't want to search desperately for love. I don't want to sacrifice greatly for love. I don't want to fight valiantly for love. I don't want to manipulate and undermine the character of others and myself for love.

I don't want to be the long-time friend who shows back up to win back someone he once loved. I don't want to be the devoted but uninteresting arm-candy. I certainly don't want to be the charming but characterless man who can't see through his friend's evil scheming long enough to tell her to stop and is constantly being nice to her even as she tries to ruin his shot at happiness.

And more importantly, I have been all of those people, or at least considered being all of those people. And I rejected them all. None of them are me. I used to daydream of creating grandoise othello-esque schemes to destroy the life of a young man from Atlanta in order to win back the love of a girl I lost, but I turned from that path years ago and think of neither him nor her these days. I have followed around a girl who had the confidence to ask me for my attention and know I would dote on her. I eventually realized that the suppression of my will was exhausting and futile and have since stepped away from that more subservient version of myself. And I have been viewed as the 'perfect man' by old friends, approached and asked (nay, begged may be a better word) to join them in relationships that could have been outwardly successful and long lasting, but left me feeling far from fulfilled. I chose instead to tread carefully and use every silver-tongued comment and sliver of wisdom in my arsenal to find diplomatic and mature ways to turn them away from me without hurting them.

I have been each of those characters, and I have rejected them each in turn. I am unhappy as any of them.

So I am coming to the realization that the only character in the film that I actually related to was George. The Gay Guy. Of course, you guys are probably thinking "aha, well that explains why you saw the movie voluntarily" but I don't relate to George because he's gay.

I relate to him because he has the maturity and wisdom to help out his friends without letting them dictate his actions or the outcomes of the situations in which he finds himself. Unlike the leading man, George is confident and self-assured and not scared to make choices and statements that contradict the aims of his friends if he feels they are for the best. He's wise, he's caring, and he's kind without being a pushover. More importantly he doesn't hit on anybody during the course of the entire film. He remains aloof and while it's clear that he's capable of loving, he is not desperate for it, nor does its pursuit consume him.

Amazing, isn't it? The changes five short years will bring? I wonder what the next five years hold?