Barbie Belladonna

"Hi Barbie!"
"Hi Ken!"
"You wanna go for a ride?"
"Sure, Ken!"
"Jump in!"
"Ha ha ha ha!"

Life can be approached from many directions, and while watching this incredibly depressing piece of footage on google video just now, I was struck with a poignant and almost painful thought.

Maybe you too remember 1997. . .

"I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation."

We live in a society where people can choose to fall somewhere in a spectrum from control-freak to store mannequin.

I realize that we all hate (or at least I hope all of my readership hates) Aqua Aquarium's late 90s smash hit. After all, it's horrendously grating, disgustingly bubblegum, and traumatically pervasive. It's an ear-worm, first class.

But it is also brutally, sardonically, bitterly honest.

"Come on, Barbie, let's go party"

"I'm a blonde single girl in the fantasy world
Dress me up, take your time, I'm your dollie
You're my doll, rock and roll, feel the glamour and pain
Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky"

After all, could any author would have reached 70% of the teen market of the late 90s with the following message?

If you want to be considered attractive and fun, you can abandon any pretense of having your own personality or any strength of character. Just start hanging out with boys that will tell you how to dress, act, and feel, and expect professions of love from them in return. Sure, you'll have no control over your life or destiny, but people will think you're the life of the party!

No-one would have listened.

"You can touch, you can play
You can say I'm always yours, oooh whoa"

The message embedded in this song is more than just "life can be a blast." The serpent that slithers beneath the thin veneer of bubblegum pop packs a much more powerful kllling blow: To become attractive, just abandon your willpower!

Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees
Come jump in, be my friend, let us do it again
Hit the town, fool around, let's go party

The subtext is even more painful: You won't just give up your ability to make your own decisions, you'll give up your imagination and ability to think for yourself in the bargain.

But you'll have fun, remember? And the boys will say they love you!

You can touch, you can play
You can say I'm always yours

Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah
Come on, Barbie, let's go party, oooh, oooh

Sitting here today it occurs to me that if I wanted to, I could abandon my inclination towards self-directed, intelligent women with drive and ambition. I could start chasing barbie girls--girls with no personal motivation or imagination, attractive shells with pretty faces and plastic curves that are as hollow as a chocolate easter bunny, but just as sweet.

Hell, I'm pretty confident I could start a gorram collection of such girls--a long line of unanswered phone calls and one night stands could be as much a sure-thing for my future as taxes and afternoon rain in mid summer.

I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation

But I find that concept about as attractive as abandoning real food in favour of only eating candy--I would begin to develop mental and spiritual cavities. Plus I think within the first 24 hours I would make myself physically sick.

"Oh, I'm having so much fun!
Well, Barbie, we're just getting started!
Oh, I love you Ken!"

This tragedy in miniature plays out every day. And every day we smile and nod and let it happen to our friends, to our family--even sometimes to us.

If I have a word of caution for you, it is this: define the boundaries of your existence by hand, the hard way. Make every decision, cross every bridge, and overcome every barrier on your own power.

Sure love is good for the soul--but when you trade away your independence and character, you're not getting loved in return.

Trust me, that isn't love you're holding.

"I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation"

Aqua
Aquarium (1997)
Barbie Girl