Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?

If you don´t recognize the quote, it is from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

I was on the train yesterday. We were playing ´´Pick a train, any train´´ on our way south towards the black forest area of Germany. The train from Koblenz to Mainz was off-again on-again full, and I found myself playing one of my usual ´pass the time on the public trasport´ games, watching to notice which people try to be stylish, which music players people use, etc. Little details that make people differet from each other.

One girl in our car was using her cell phone (a newer model) as a music player, which intrigued me. I hadn´t seen many that do that yet.

Another girl got on, with a goth friend. She was in baggy military-drab cargos and a black off-the-shoulder sweater that looked like a couture knockoff, high on one shoulder, off the other, with a single bright red strap from a halter top or bra showing.

It created a very pleasant effect without being quite far enough over the edge into punk to be scary. Chunky shoes and great hair made the look work for her very well.

I assume she noticed me watching her early because she eventually looked over at me and smiled. Probably the smile of someone who is used to being noticed but I don´t know. In any case, it made me remember ESotSM, and the scene in the coffee shop, and the quote which I used as a title today.

Why is it that I can act so confident and aloof and downright cocky yet sometimes I´ll suddenly feel, for no reason, as if I am in high school again? It is an odd sensation. It isn´t like there aren´t plenty of chances that I make for myself daily.

But when it comes right down to it. . . I am beginnig to realize that I don´t believe in any of those chances because I am too mobile right now. Too unrooted. I don´t just mean on this trip, I mean in general. I am planning to travel after I get home, yet only for a few years. Say I meet an expat that I like in HK, what am I going to do? Change my plans and stay there for the rest of my life? I don´t think so.

But who knows? Solitude is an odd sensation to bear for as long as I expect to bear it. It will be nigh-on half-a-decade before I find a place where I might be comfortable dating for the long term.

Oh well. Patience is a virtue.

Saturday, March 19, 2005


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