New Year's Eve

I have fond memories of New Year's Parties from my childhood. This was the one time when my parents would throw large, 'holiday' parties, and 4 to 7 families would all come out to our house and we would stay up half the night setting off fireworks and the parents would sit around the bonfire for hours.

The next morning 5 to 10 of us kids would be up at 6 or 7 AM, back outside splitting open the core logs in the bonfire to start a new, smaller fire (we were kids, and that means we were pyromaniacs too) and we'd sit around, collecting fireworks we'd lost in the dark the night before, running around in the yard and playing outdoor games like freeze-tag.

It was always fun to find left over bottle rockets or roman candles, reminders of the magic of the previous evening. Of course, the most disapointing thing to find in the yard were sparklers, since the night before they were beautiful and exciting, and in the harsh light of the new day they were very little more than hissing sticks.

It is a happy memory.

I have one memory of the awkward times between childhood and the teenage years, of sitting in my den with a good friend, both of us talking with a girl in Atlanta. That girl was my first adoration (crush is not a strong enough word for the stupidity this girl generated in me). It was a different sort of New Year's. Confused. Restrained. Unproductive. But characteristic of those in-between years. Growing pains. The other New Year's Eves are lost to memory.

Then a different set of memories start. Two New Years ago, I went out with some friends that I had met through a co-operative education home-school program, including my now-ex Kawaii girl and her then-best friend (we'll call her Barbie). I'm not a big fan of blondes, but I will admit that Barbie was one of the 5 most attractive blondes I have ever met. Hot, and very intelligent. Zero depth to her, and no common sense, but hey, you can't have everything.

This was before I was actually dating my ex, back when we were aquantainces who hadn't even admitted how much we were attracted to each other. I was still sortof playing up the mentor/big brother role (hey, we all make mistakes. It's a role I've since abandoned to be played by other men with more patience than me).

Those two, myself, and about 5 other people wound up at my ex's parent's house, sitting in the living room playing games, trading massages (actually, that's a lie--It was just me giving everybody [well, all the girls] massages) and talking until early in the morning.

Fast forward to last New Year's Eve. I spend it with my ex, but of course we were dating then. We'd been maintaining a fairly successful (if incredibly draining) long-distance relationship for about 7 months. We were (again) in her living room, but this time it wound up being just me and her, somehow. A nice end to the evening, but much more personal than the others.

We wound up watching a couple of movies, and during Boondock Saints, one of my favorite movies of all time, I kissed her for the first time.

Now, those of you who don't know me well are probably a bit surprised by this, so let me catch you up: I hadn't planned to kiss anyone until I was married. It was one of those stupid, crazy ideas you pick up in elementary or middle school and that most people usually have the good sense to discard as impractical or anti-American before they are even old enough to shave daily. I was not one of those people. Call me stubborn, call me passionate, call me obstinate, call me stupid. Whatever.

My first kiss happened at the age of 20, as a result, on New Year's Eve, as 2003 was disappearing into memory.

The first kiss was, well, awkward (she wasn't expecting it).

The next three hours were also considerably more amazing than anything I had experienced previously. To keep from bothering the other people in the house with concerns that we'd fallen asleep or left, we simply ran the middle portion of the movie back and rewatched it to cover our activity. So it once took me five hours to watch Boondock Saints, a 2 hour film.

It turns out, you can learn a great deal in three hours.

It is a great memory. Full of passion, love, and kindness. Of course, there are fair shares of rebellion, youth, and stupidity mixed in. Again, growing pains, but this time they were less restrained. More of me fighting against what I had made myself into. Fighting my way out of a shell I didn't like.

Then, this year happened, and for various reasons, all that kindof went to hell.

In the last 12 months I've kissed four girls (although I'd say only two count), broken up with my now-ex, finished my degree and then abandoned that carreer path for a time, and just generally kindof messed up my life a great deal.

And now, the last time I talked to my ex (who I had thought was still on kind terms with me) I was told that maybe we should stop "pretending to be friends" if-and-when she moves back to the town where I now work.

That was kindof a blindside. I had thought I was her friend. Although, I suppose, considering the treatment I recieved the last time I saw her, I should have known better (Awkward doesn't begin to describe it). I will point out that I think it was more her letting off end-of-the-semester steam than it was honestly sharing frustration with me personally, since we had the conversation during her finals week (I don't know why she thought that would be a good time to burn bridges with me. who knows).

But it should be an irrelevant issue anyway, since I hope to be out of the country before she returns from school.

So tonight is the anniversarry of my first kiss, and I miss my ex more than I have in a long time.

Of course, I realize that for me, she was my first real girlfriend, and one of the most 'real' relationships I've ever had (friendships included, at least for a time) but for her, I was little more than one of the longest lasting and most memorable of a long string of boys, and now, of course, I'm just one of the boys in the discard pile.

She dates like it's going out of style. Hell, by the end of the summer she'd found someone new (within a month of the last time we'd been on good terms and seen each other under the pretenses of friendship). So she's had a new boy for 4 months now, and appearantly he's great. The irony is that from what I hear, he's half the responsibilities I gave up to be with her, and half the things I was always too responsible to be.

But hey, she says that he is great, and they're a far better couple than we ever were. And I believe it. Sad as that may be, I think it is probably true.

I have stopped allowing myself to fantasize about winning her back. To be sickeningly honest, I don't want her back. I'll always love her. You don't ever stop loving your first, but I know better than to think it would ever work out for the best for us to try again.

And that is sad.

I have to work today, so I probably won't leave until 10:30 or 11PM. But I'd really, really like to try and find a New Year's Eve party to crash, because the idea of coming back here to drink (It's New Year's Eve, and there is a hellacious amount of liquor here) doesn't appeal to me. It's too lonely a memory to add to the list. My family is out of town (seeing my grandmother for the last time, in a Philadelphia hospital) and all I want is to be distracted into forgetting what the past few New Year's Eves were like, and I doubt that will happen if I come back here.

So, if you live in the Montgomery area, and know of a kickass party that you recommend or will be attending, drop me a note before 3PM Eastern, today.

Of course, I have no faith that I'll find a party, and my only current 'public' consideration is to drive up to the Blue Iguana and spend 40 dollars to get into the Spicoli's last show. . .but hey, I've already seen them once, and I don't feel like paying the cover, and dammit, I don't think I could even get there before midnight, anyway.

So I have a feeling my New Year's Eve is going to suck. Big time. But hey, if you wanna come out to my place, I'll be throwing the biggest pity party ever.

Heh. I'll admit I kinda earned this screwy, lonely New Year's, via my actions over the last couple.

I've learned a lot over the past 3 years.

If only I could return to my earlier self with all this knowledge and experience. How different my world would be.

How different my world will be anyway, if all goes well for the next four months.

Dreamers will dream, I suppose.