On People and Faith, Continued

Funny how finishing 8 hours of work and sitting down with a nice cold Beer (Rogue Mocha Porter from Oregon--a nice brew) makes whatever I was worried about this morning seem far less signifigant in the grand scheme of things.

Let me see if I can recapture where I was.

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But even though I've abandoned manipulation as a tool (the loss of any sense of enjoyment from it helped). . .

. . . the side-effects of its use linger in my attitudes towards the people with whom I interact every day.

Romantic Example: I believe that theoretically there may be someone out there who could be the love of my life. There could be a person to whom I devote myself as a mate.

But on a practical, real-world level, I neither believe nor expect that I will ever meet such a person.

Professional Example: I work with approximately 20 people, and my impression is that fully four of them are truely competent. Of the four that I think are competent, one's a drug addict and compulsive liar, one can't do math, and one lets his desire to be boss get in the way of his professionalism.

My interactions with my family have basically gotten to the point where I've boiled them down to a single tenet: "in the battle to see who can be less mature, I will not strive to be the victor." I have surpassed my parents and other relatives in ability to take in stride insults, aggravations, and petty comments, and there is no reason for me to get bogged down in their desire for personal conflict to match the strife with which they fill their lives.

It doesn't matter wether it's family, romance, or my workplace, I just don't believe in people's abilities anymore. They do the same stuff, over and over again, and they never change, improve, or look beyond the squalor of their lives except to dream about a future that they will never have the work ethic to actually attain.

I don't believe I will ever meet a person I will love unreservedly and ungruardedly because I don't believe I'll ever meet another person I'm willing to place that much faith in.

This attitude plays out in my professional choices. I never assume that someone will come through for me in the clutch. If there is a risk that someone will cause me a delay, I call ahead and tell those expecting me that I will be late, even if the person winds up keeping their schedule straight and I arrive with time to spare.

I have simply begun to assume that people will always fail me.

That's a painful realization to make. But it has it's benefits. It frees me from the shackles of trying to 'change others for the better'. I used to spend a lot of my time trying to strive to improve the lives of others.

But with the knowledge that I have no faith in their ability not to screw it all up anyway: Fuck others. They don't have a clue anyway, leave them be, and let them figure it out on their own if they want to improve their lives.

It also frees me from the desire for companionship. The knowledge that it will just be history repeating itself (geekout: a recursive function with a broken pointer) in a new and perhaps more painful way makes it a problem to be avoided rather than a new chance to ease the loneliness of my existence.

So, am I recommending that you lose your faith in people?

Hell no. It sucks being where I am right now. My heart feels like it's been soaked in isopropyl and coated in lead. But am I depressed that I am what I am, and that I believe what I believe? Not really.

What will be will be.