Star Wars

What a weird evening.

First off, it was enlightening to see how different things were with others around. I know now it's probably for the best that I never went to Mobile. Maybe I'm misreading all of that though. I suppose it's possible. 'eh. Happens.

Later on in the evening, already in a blue funk and not particularly interested in coming out of it (nor with people particularly capable of drawing me out of it, even if they had recognized it existed) things were even more interesting.

In one ear, a conversation about the latest swimsuits, underwear and summer wear available via the victoria's secret catalogue. In the other ear, conversations about diving equipment, gear, and trips.

"I really like this halter top." "So I traded out my inflator with another on the boat and used my own BCM." "But you know, the sizes are never right. Maybe I should get it in teal?" "We dove through the Bart's old wellhouse. Next time we'll probably dive down the stairs." "Ooh, don't you think that's cute. I like these pants." "Yeah, the dive instructors daughter wound up misplacing her perscription mask and nearly took home the other one."

And in between these two conversations, neither of which held any relation to me, or reason for me to relate to them. . . I found myself an alien again.

Why did I come home? It's not really my home anymore. It's home, sure. But not mine.

I feel like an outkast who was only rejected, and never forced away. I know they don't mean for it to feel like that, and if they knew I felt that way, they'd do anything they could to make me feel more at ease, but it's not them. . .it's me. It's how different I am now.

I feel unsettled. Like this is no longer supposed to be my life and now I'm living inside someone else's skin, reputation, and abilities. How do I explain to them that there has been a terrible mistake? That I'm not the one who everyone recognizes. I'm not the one who has all the answers. I'm not the one with the easy smile and the quick laugh who shrugs everything awkward or hurtful off as a joke. I'm not the one with the sharp mind and the steel will who stands head and shoulders above all others when duty calls. I'm not the one.

I'm not the one.

I'm just this guy, y'know?

I feel sick.