None of the Above.

I briefly considered sending it to the editor of the local events paper as a submission for an editorial, but I decided against it. Unlike the entire population of Macon however, you, dear reader, will not be spared. -ed

I once saw an old Richard Pryor flick called Brewster's Millions. In it the main character, in a desperate bid to spend 30 million dollars in 30 days (it's complicated) runs a political campaign AGAINST all of the current candidates for Mayor of New York City. He uses a massive advertising budget to encourage write-ins for "None of the Above."

Facing one of the most disappointing elections of my life, I am tempted to do just that.

Over the past 16 years of White House action we've had perjury, extortion, philandering and war mongering. We've had horribly negative smear campaigns, we've had dishonesty and corruption.

In 8 years under Clinton it seemed we had a president more interested in pussy than politics. His most memorable contributions to America seem to be an endorsement for jogging to McDonald's (great message for America's fat-ass youth there Bill!) and encouraging everyone to buy their own home (how'd that work out for us?).

But in 8 years under Bush, things got worse. Our "common man" turned out to have an unfortunate obsession with keeping rich people rich, and in starting un-winnable wars against ideas instead of concrete enemies. A world that once perceived us as philandering and consumer-goods-obsessed now sees us as paranoid, violent, and petulant on the global stage. We've squandered money, destroyed civil liberties, and ignored the coming financial and ecological crisis until everything is stressed to the breaking point.

We had a Senate congratulate themselves on "saving the country from a financial crisis" (by wasting 850 billion of our tax dollars) but they wouldn't even come back from a non-federal holiday to vote on the issue early!

And we're probably going to re-elect some of those fuckers!

But the real crisis of re-election is our current (non)-choice. McCain can't remember how many houses he owns, and the 10% down payment on Obama's current residence is the entire value of my house. Obama thinks trapping children in school desks for an additional month out of the year will help them out, and McCain thinks that he helped save the economy by getting Republicans to pass one of the most frivolous bills in the history of American politics. I've read Obama's book, and I found his statements on the Democratic Convention important and depressing: he feels he's sold us out in order to reach his current level of success. Meanwhile McCain wouldn't recognize a working class stiff like me if I bit him on the leg.

And yet, because we've been trained by mud slinging campaigns over the past 100 years to always vote against the guy we hate and fear, the majority of America is only going to vote for one of these two people, even though we've all learned enough about them to realize that neither of them are ideal candidates for the job!

I say we vote against either of them. Vote for your favorite third pary candidate. Vote for a dead person. Vote for Senator Palpatine [(R) Naboo].

I believe in personal freedom, government accountability, and legalized marijuana. On most years that would mean I'd be voting for the libertarian candidate. But this time around, the Libs have stolent a page from Obama's playbook on choosing a vice president and used it as their guiding light. The recipe is this: Dig up the creepiest Capitol Hill sleazebag you can find and prop him up with a painted-on smile and a promise to help save the country. Seriously, fellas, Bob "lifetime politician and onetime front man for the war on drugs" Barr? I'd rather vote for Timothy Leary--and he's dead! And Crazy!

So good luck making up your minds at the poles this year everybody. The choice between the sellout and the clone is a tough one. I'm probably writing in "None of the Above."

Saturday, October 04, 2008