Heart of Gold

I drift from place to place sometimes. Looking for the reasoning that binds my sometimes fragile outlook on life together.

I came here by education, insight, and desire. I stay here by force of will and simple dedication to a few beautiful concepts, but there are some days when the gray clouds roll over my head and the music simmers in the speakers and all I can think is "what if I'm wrong?"

". . .love is also the world's one truly beautiful thing; abandoning it in fear is the worst one could do--worse even perhaps than death."

When I was younger, I loved with my whole heart, and when I stopped, I taught myself to guard my whole heart.

I believe in love, and I believe I do love, but not as I once did. I do not think now that I ever want to love that way again.

But sometimes.

"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

Sometimes I see shimmering reflections of her. Moments in time or elements of behaviour that are tied entirely to the way she thought and spoke and wrote.

And in those moments sometimes it feels as if my whole heart strains and swells to bursting, pushing against the confining armour I've built around it.

Sometimes.

But at the end of the day I don't want her back, and I don't want a replacement for her. I want my life to continue in the manner that it should, and that manner is free of the kind of love that I see in the eyes of others for each other.

"I ain't her."

"Only people in this room is you and me."

Sometimes.

quotes from: self-private communication, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and Firefly-Heart of Gold.